Man vs Mountain

We had been sat in the meeting room for well over forty minutes. And that’s too long when you’re in a room with Mary and Steve. Alex was on the other end of the row, tapping buttons on his phone. We had all been called up here for a team-building seminar with a member of UK Mountain Climbers. I know what you’re thinking, a mountain climber? A big, hefty, strong mountain climber. We got Philip.


Philip bundled into the room; his round glasses nearly slipping off his face from the sweat on his brow. He looked about Steve’s age, with a grey polo shirt on that look too big for him and a waterproof coat over the top. He was going slightly bald which made his chubby face look perfectly round.

‘All right, guys. Are we all here? Cool and groovy.’

He didn’t give us time to answer the question. We all gave each other a glance, to show our distaste.

‘Right.’ Philip clapped his hands together. ‘I’m here today to talk to you about team building. Who am I?’

We all looked at each other again. Was that a question aimed at us? I went to answer it but got cut off.

‘Well, my name is Philip and I’m a mountain climber. I’ve done 14 climbs in my time, sometimes for our charity, to raise money of Mountain Climbing awareness.’

He left it a second for us to say something, but no one spoke.

‘Any questions so far? OK, cool and groovy. There’s a lot of teamwork in what I do, and sometimes I am reliant on it…’

Normally seminars start more informally than this. Tea and biscuits, bit of a chat. Philip just got on with it, and six minutes later, his eyes were bulging with the excitement of his chosen hobby.

‘Climbing the highest peaks with your fellow adventurers, there’s nothing more invigorating and exciting!’ He yelled.
‘Exciting?’ Alex asked. ‘You want to get on the XBOX, mate.’
‘X what?’
‘Exactly. You said you do it for charity?’
‘Yeah, raised about £400 last year.’ Philip smiled.
‘Couldn’t you just do something easier?’

We all stared at Alex. I’d only known Philip for about ten minutes, but I’m guessing mountain climbing was all he’d got in his life. His face slowly fell into sadness and confusion, like he’d just been told his cat had been run over by a vehicle that doesn’t exist.

‘What do you mean?’ He questioned Alex.
‘You know, wear a costume or something. Or do a dance.’

I doubt Philip could dance.

‘Something a bit less dangerous than climbing mountains.’ Alex said, still with his arms folded.
‘Well, I enjoy it.’
‘What if you get stuck?’ Alex came right back.
‘I try not to.’

That’s probably rule one in the Mountain Climbers Handbook: Try Not To Get Stuck.

‘It’s a bit risky though, isn’t it?’
‘No.’ Philip tried to shake it off. ‘OK, cool and groovy, and questions so far?’
‘Or die?’ Alex continued. ‘Are you saying you’re willing to risk your life for charity? I mean, what’s £400 if you’re dead at the end of it?’

Philip’s soft shrug fell away as he leaned back onto the desk, gazing into the back wall. I should have said something there and then, anything to stop Alex or to break Philip’s sense of increasing helplessness. But I hardly knew the man, and saying ‘cool and groovy’ more than once in a day didn’t help his case.

Philip let out a soft squeak and bowed his head, clutching the edge of the table, turning his knuckles white. We all looked at Alex. His face turned white as Philip began to sob gently in front of us. It’s odd, watching a grown man cry. You don’t know whether to laugh of feel bad. Steve knew.

‘Steve, stop laughing.’ Alex uttered to him.
‘You did this.’ He replied. ‘Don’t blame me!’

Alex shushed him and looked up at Philip, his head still lowered and jerking up every few seconds with another squeak.

‘I try to be a good person…’ He whimpered.

I urged myself to say ‘You are a good person!’ but nothing came out. You can’t tell someone you’ve just met that they’re a good person; they could be a murderer for all you know. Philip seemed unstable enough to be one.

‘But I’m just ruining my life. My own mother tells me not to do it. She only talks to me because I pay her rent.’

Steve let out a stifled laugh. He was the last person to find that funny, at least Philip pays to live with his mum.

‘I feel so stupid.’ He muttered, after a long deep breath, clenching his eyes with his fingers.
‘No, you’re not stupid.’ Alex finally spoke. ‘It’s just a bit pointless.’

Wrong. This made Philip rise to his feet, grab his waterproof jacket and with a hard sniff, quickly walked out of the room.

‘What the hell what that?’ I stood up.
‘What? I didn’t know he was going to cry on us?’
‘We didn’t know you were going to insult the man!’
‘It was a bit harsh, Alex.’ Mary winced.

We all watched from the window, Philip driving off in his silver Volvo, probably crying onto his polo shirt. We all didn’t expect him to cry. Well, you wouldn’t, would you? It seemed that Alex had pointed out a stranger’s mediocre life in little less than half an hour.

The next day, Alex was stood in the foyer.

‘Phil didn’t deserve that.’ He said earnestly. ‘Especially with all the work Fran does for her charity. I should be a bit more thoughtful.’


Oh, I should have mentioned; Alex was stood in the foyer, dressed as a mountain. I bet you’re thinking that’s a bit too hard to imagine. Even I thought that when I looked at him. Overnight, he had managed to create a large model out of papier-mâché, and cut a hole in the top so he could fit into it. It was painted black with white bits on the top to denote snow, and on the front, read the words ‘UK MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS’ Alex had done his research, contacting the organization and making himself a registered fundraiser.

‘It was easy enough.’ He said. ‘They knew Fran from the WWW.’

That’s the Working Women In Wheelchairs’, if you’ve forgotten.

‘So, I’m going to stand here all day…’
‘Dressed as a mountain?’
‘Yes, and raise money for Philip.’

What a great thing Alex was prepared to do. Noble, honourable, considerate. It was such a shame he looked like a complete tit. Four hours went by and Alex had managed to raise 14p and two old till receipts.

‘I think people don’t care about mountain climbers.’
‘I think you proved that point yesterday.’ I suggested.
‘Shut it, you.’

I’ve never been threatened by a mountain before. At that moment, Philip wondered into the store, grabbed a basket and looked up at us. I don’t think he was expecting to see Alex again in his life, let alone dressed as a mountain; the one thing that made him cry hours earlier.

‘Lads…’
‘Philip.’ He both nodded.
‘What err…are you doing?’

That was a good question.

‘Raising money.’ Alex eyes widened. ‘For you. I mean, for UK Mountain Climbers.’

Philip looked made up, but he didn’t want to show it. So as his face turned red he shrugged and moved closer.

‘How much have you raised?’ He asked, trying to peer into the bucket.
‘It’s not important at the moment.’ Alex moved it away. ‘What’s important is that I’m raising awareness.’

Philip and Alex smiled at each other. I didn’t know where to look. It’s a bit odd watching a man smiling at a mountain. Steve wondered in and broke the tension.

‘Haha, you look like a right tit, Al! Why are you raising money for that stupid thing?’


Steve hadn’t noticed Philip stood two feet away from him. I don’t blame him; Philip’s a pretty unnoticeable guy. He bowed his head again and his shoulders fell, a reconstruction of yesterday, before the tears. Alex spotted it and ran at Steve, bolting at him with the sound of a charging rugby player. Philip didn’t have time to cry again, he was too wrapped up in the scuffle at his feet. Steve was covered by a mass of black, his feet and arms flailing around it, as Alex bounced on top. There was so much papier-mâché that Steve’s squealing became muffled and distorted, covered by Alex’s growls of aggression. Soon enough, the mountain had managed to pin Steve down to the ground.

‘Its not a stupid thing, it’s for Mountain Climbers! Honest, brave mountain climbers! Who risk their lives!’
‘OK OK, get off me!!’ Steve squealed.

The mountain released his pray and managed pick himself off the floor, floundering as it got to his feet.

‘And that goes for anyone who thinks this is a stupid thing!’ Alex circled the foyer, preaching the word to the whole store whilst trying to sort out the position of his costume so his face would fit through the hole.

Alex raised £127 in the end. Being threatened by a mountain makes you give to charity. OXFAM should try that.