In films, when people leave their job, they usually hold box under their arm with a pot plant inside. Next to the pot plant is lots of stolen stationary and perhaps a framed picture of a loved one. I’d love to leave a job like that, a final walk along the dull corridors, glancing up at your ex-colleagues with glint in your eye, your shirt unbuttoned and tie casually hung. That can’t happen in supermarkets. If you’re not a manager, there is no office or desk to keep your pot plant or framed pictures. You have one single locker to call you own, which is just about spacious enough inside to encase a small tortoise. A colleague did that once, in fact. He got fired the next day.
So there was no final walk for Wayne when he decided to leave us. Well, there might have been, but he was professional enough to work his full eight-hour shift and calmly go home, two weeks after handing in his notice to Darren. Darren didn’t say anything to the rest of us. Why would he? Only one thing would happen if he did. And that one thing did happen, the minute we found out he wasn’t coming back.
‘Darren, can I sit down?’
‘Steve, you’re supposed to knock first.’
Darren had got his own office now, next to Sharon’s. He’d been waiting for Steve to crash into it all day.
‘Sorry, but, can I?’
‘Yeah, yeah. Take a seat.’
Steve threw himself down on the itchy blue chair and bit his lip. He was trying to be casual and calm, when he really wanted Darren to make him the Head porter again.
‘Is there something I can help you with?’ Darren stifled a smile.
‘Yeah, the light in the foyer is flickering. You might need someone to look at that.’
‘Right…’
Darren held Steve’s somewhat innocent stare.
‘Is that all?’
‘Yeah. It’s my break now, anyway, so…’
Steve got up and headed for the door. He held onto the handle and slowly turned around.
‘Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. You don’t know…who…is going to be…head porter now, do you? At all?’ Steve said in a high-pitched voice, moving his head for side to side like Stevie Wonder.
If Steve was trying to bullshit, Darren may have well have a go.
‘Oh, you’re interested in the position, are you?’
‘Interested? Errr, I might be. You know I wouldn't want us to go on without a head porter.’
Yeah, I wouldn't know how to deal with not getting my rota the same time every month. Considering I do the same shifts every week it would be hard to keep up. Steve was a Two Time Head Porter. Two Time Head Porter sounds good, doesn’t it? Especially when you use the capital letters. A bit like ‘Two Time World Champion’ or ‘Two Time Award Winner’. But in case you’ve forgotten, the two people who stripped him of his ‘title’ were Wayne and his own mother. Not something to be proud about.
‘I know you've been head porter before.’ Darren held out his hand in defence. ‘But, we can’t just give you the role back.’
‘Why? Why not?’
‘They’d be outrage amongst the others.’
I don’t think so. I didn’t want it. Alex wasn’t bothered. And Mary is Steve’s girlfriend; the only person in the world who considers Steve attractive. I’m guessing she wanted him to be Head Porter too.
‘We’re going to put it to a vote.’
‘A vote?’
‘A vote.’ Darren confirmed. ‘You all get one say. The most popular wins.’
‘That’s a good idea.’ Steve smiled. ‘I don’t know why other people do this…’
‘I think they do, Steve. It’s pretty popular in politics and things.'
Steve wasn’t listening to Darren’s sarcasm. He sat back down in his chair and folded his arms, thinking of ways to win the vote.
‘We should have done this when Wayne was here.’ Darren smiled.
‘Wayne, he was a gay boy, anyway.’
Darren stared Steve down.
‘Why did he leave?’ Steve asked.
‘He thought his fellow colleagues were too immature.’
Steve took the hit, uncrossed his arms and left the room. But not before mumbling ‘Gay boy’ to himself.
Ten minutes later he was down to all of us, talking us through the voting.
'So, we all have one say. We all write it down and whoever gets the most, wins.'
'That's a good idea.' I said.
'That's what I said! Don't you think they should use it for other things?'
'You mean more important things?'
Which was everything in the world, ever.
'Yeah.' Steve nodded.
'I suppose. When do we hand them in?'
'End of the day. Just give them to me. I'll pass them on.'
We all looked at each other.
'No.' Alex said. 'You'll just look at them all.'
'And change them if you don't like them.' Mary added.
'All right, fine! Give them to Darren.'
I don't know how far Steve thought he would get with that, but it was worth a try.
'So, let's get voting!' Steve clapped his hands together.
'Remember, you can't vote for yourself.' I said flippantly.
'Eh?'
'Yeah, that's not fair.'
'Of course I can. If I think I would be the best Head Porter, I can.'
The argument went on for several minutes, and because most of us weren't bothered anyway, we let Steve get his way. Half an hour later, Darren had all the votes and we were up in his office.
End of part one.
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