Law Of The Worlds

'What do you think?'

Alex was stood in front of me, a huge smile stitched to his face, with a shirt and tie on.

'Nice. Very nice.'

I was being genuine. I know sometimes I can get sarcastic, especially with people I work with. It's to make me feel better about working outside. The only thing that makes it worse is when they don't realise I'm being sarcastic, even when I'm at my most sarcastic. I think I get it from my Dad. He was sarcastic with me from a very early age, so it was engrained in me and made to appreciate it. Some father's pass on the rules of chess or their old vinyl collection, I got sarcasm. And no doubt I'll be passing it on to my son, and the rules of when and when not to do it. Funerals, in church and job interviews being the top three. The rules also apply to farting.

Alex was in a shirt and tie and was due to be in court in an hour, to support his brother Duncan. Alex didn't tell me that much about why his twin may go to prison, mainly because Alex didn't know enough, but it was something to do with robbing a car. I always knew Duncan would go to prison somewhere down the line, he just had that look. Maybe for drugs or punching someone for having a better X-BOX game, but robbing a car was hard to believe. Simply because he couldn't drive. Probably why he got caught. It would be hard to drive off in a stolen ford focus when you can't catch it on the bite.

'I bought the tie from here. It looks good doesn't it?'
'Yeah, you look snazzy.'

Do people say snazzy any more?

'Really smart, mate.'

Smart, that's better.

'Brilliant. Just going to get some dinner before I go.'
'OK, mate.'

Alex trotted off in store and I got back to my row of trolleys. It was a cold day, and when I say cold, I mean cold. The mist was low and ice was on the ground, enough ice for me to walk slowly, with my hands out to balance myself. Isn't it odd how a bit of ice can make you look like a complete tit? It's like when people walk on a pebbled beach with no shoes on. It doesn't matter how cool you are, you look stupid.

I pushed my row of trolleys up, but as I did, a woman shut the boot of her car and got in it, leaving the trolley beside it. It really pisses me off when people do that, so much so that it made me say 'Oh, for fucks sake.' Out loud, as well. I realised I said it out loud when a girl behind me made a noise of disapproval and scooted over to me.

'Excuse me? What was that?'

I knew what is was, did she want me to repeat it? If she was so offended, she probably didn't want me to repeat it.

'Sorry?'
'Is that the right kind of language to be using? On a public car park? Whilst at work?'

She was right. Three questions I couldn't get out of.

'No.' I hung my head low. 'I'm sorry.'

She was a small woman of about thirty, with a long winter coat on and straight dark hair and harsh, sharp features on her face.

'Can I speak to your manager, please?'
'Yeah, sure. Has someone damaged your car?' I asked, looking for her car.
'No. I wish to speak to someone about your language.'

I felt stupid. I know people are offended by bad language, but was it really enough to talk to Darren about it? Darren wasn't in today. Oh, no. Not Sharon. Surely not.

'Oh, yes. OK.'

I led the woman up to the store, like a school child on his way to the headmaster's office. It's hard to walk like a guilty man when there's ice on the ground. You look more like a tightrope walker than anyone else. As we reached the foyer, the warm air hit us like a sledgehammer, making me take off my hat and gloves. We walked past Glen the greeter and by the checkouts. It was then that I did something stupid and genius at the same time. I saw Alex by the customer cafe, chatting away to the girl behind the counter. I wandered over to him and tapped him on the shoulder.

'Alex?'

He turned around and smiled at me.

'All right, mate?'

I winked at him, which felt odd, and shot at quick look to the girl beside me.

'This customer would like to speak to you.'
'OK.' He shrugged.
'She wants to speak to a manager.'

I said 'a manager' with wide eyes, gleaming at him to take the hint.

'OK.'

I wasn't sure if he got the hint or not. He just shrugged again and bit into his bacon butty.

'Are you on your break?' The woman asked Alex.
'Yes.' I said quickly. 'But I'm sure he's got time to speak to you. It's quite important.'
'OK.' Alex said again with another shrug.
'Your colleague here used offensive language.' She said bluntly. 'On the car park as well, what if a child heard it?'
'What was the offensive language?' 
'I'm sorry?' The woman tilted her head.
'The words? What was the words he used?'
'It was only one offensive word.' I said.

Alex pushed out his lips and moved his head from side to side. I still wasn't sure if he was sure what I was trying to do. But he was in a shirt and tie, enough to make him look like a manager around here. The woman seemed to be believing it, the trouble was getting Alex to know what he was doing.

'But it was bad, Alex. I'm sorry.'
'OK.' 
'And I'm sorry to you.' I turned to the woman.
'Apology accepted. Let's not have it happen again.' She pointed at me.

This was brilliant. I was off the hook. I don't know why I doubted doing it in the first place. I do know, it was the fear of getting caught. And this wasn't an American sit-com, it was real-life. And we did get caught. That's why ten minutes later, the three of us were in Sharon's office.

'So, what's all this about?' Sharon snarled as she sat down with one of her long cigarettes.
'These two tricked me.' The woman sat down first. 'This one pretended to be a manager.'
'Did I?' Alex asked.

Now I know if Alex knew what he was doing. Of course he didn't. All he said was 'OK'. Manager's can't do that, they'd be fired on the spot. They probably wouldn't even have got the job, thinking about it.

'Yes. I asked to speak to a manager and this one brought me to him.' She pointed at me.
'And you believed he was a manager?' Sharon asked.
'He's dressed like it.' The woman shrugged.

See, I told you.

'Hang on. Hang on.' Sharon put her elbows on her table and dragged her hair back with her fingers. 'Dylan, you told her that he was a manager?' 
'I might have.' 
'You did.' The woman looked up at me.
'Sorry, what's your name?' Sharon asked.
'Julia.'
'Julia, I'm sorry about the mix up.'
It wasn't a mix up. It was deception.'
'OK. That's sorted.' Sharon cleared her throat and smiled.

There was a pause as we all looked at each other.

'Can I get off now?' Alex pointed to the door. 'I've got to be in court in twenty minutes.'
'Why? What have you done?' Sharon asked.
'Nothing.'
'Sorry, this isn't finished. I want these two to be disciplined?'
'Why? Because of the deception?'
'Yes, and for swearing.'
'What swearing?' Sharon asked.

Sharon hadn't been told that yet. I was getting a headache and I think everyone else felt the same.

'He swore.' Julie pointed at me.
'At you?'
'No. But I heard it.'
'Right.'

Sharon knew she had to punish us both, but was a little confused as to when, how and at what degree. She leant back, waiting for Julia to leave in the knowledge that Alex and I would get shouted at today. But she stayed bolted to the chair.

'Dylan. Don't swear. Alex. Don't...he does look like a manager, though, doesn't he?' Sharon narrowed her eyes.
'I've got to be in court. I bought the tie here, do you like it?' Alex smiled.
'I'm sorry? Can we can back to the point?'
'What are you in court for?' Sharon asked Alex.
'Oh, for fuck's sake!' Julia stood up violently.

There was a short pause after the three us flinched at Julia's reaction. Sharon was the first to speak.

'I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.'

Julie was thrown out of the store for abusive language. It's a good job too, Sharon was too confused to shout at people today.