It was another busy Wednesday and it was usually me and Steve outside, but I hadn't seen him since he went up for his dinner at half 12. I wouldn't usually go and find him if he was a few minutes over his half an hour limit, but since it was nearly 2pm, I considered it worthy.
'Steve, do you know what time it is?'
'Sorry, dude. I'll be down in a sec...' He muttered, organising his knife and fork on his dirty plate. 'Just finish my brew.'
'Is this all you've been doing since half 12?' I asked.
'No..I did the Sudoku in the paper. Well, didn't finish it, it was the Medium one.'
'Oh, right...Hey, did you get a text from Alex's best man?'
'Yeah, about Friday?'
'Yeah.'
'I don't think I can make it.'
'What?' I said, sitting down. 'It's Alex's stag do. It's been booked for months...according to the text.'
'I know, but...Mary...with the baby and everything.'
Steve has been doing this since he found out about Mary's pregnancy. Getting out of every conceivable thing. It would be considered noble and grown up if there was an actual baby to take care of, but Steve was literally using something that was size of a peanut to get out of everything. Working, shaving and now his friend's stag do.
'Come on, Steve. Mary won't mind. In fact, she's going to Alex and Fran's flat on Friday for the hen do.'
'Yeah, but...I've told her to stick to lemonade and I've told Alex to reserve her a comfy chair.'
Party on!
'Just an hour. Show your face. It'll be fun.' I tried.
'Fine.' He sighed. 'But I need to be at Alex's for eleven to pick her up.'
'Great.'
I smiled and raised my eyebrows, hoping that he'd get up from his extended break and start work again.
'What?' He asked.
'Shall we...'
'Oh, I'll just finish the crossword....'
The next day Alex was in for his final day before his wedding, booking three weeks off for stag, wedding and honeymoon. We spent a good hour talking about the wedding. Who was invited, choice of DJ and food. The main three, I always think. His best man had organised a stag do for tomorrow, inviting six or seven of Alex's closest friends. Paint ball at 2pm, a meal at 5pm and drinks at 8pm, something I was very much looking forward to as I'd never played paint ball before. Thinking about it, if there's one thing I'd love to shoot somebody with, it would be a ball of paint.
'Are you looking forward to the stag?'
'Yeah.' Alex smiled. 'I've never played paint ball before.'
'Me neither.'
'I've always wanted to shoot somebody with...'
'A ball of paint?'
'Yeah.' Alex grinned.
'I know, me too!'
Shooting people on a stag do is the done thing nowadays. A celebration to honour a man's marriage and the first thing people think of is physically hurting them. It's how we say 'well done.' Whether it's shooting them with a ball of paint or strapping them to a lamppost in the pouring rain whilst stark naked in a town centre, it's all done out of love. In fact, my Uncle Kevin went through the same thing, even then it was snowing. He must have absolutely froze. He wasn't getting married or anything, he was having an affair and my auntie wanted some revenge.
Friday came around and by 8pm, the six of us stumbled into the Jazz Box, a low key bar in the town centre. Alex, best man Jake, brother Duncan, Fran's 28 year old cousin Jim, Steve and I all sat down in comfy leather booth in the corner and ordered some drinks.
'I'm just going to have one and them I'm off.' Steve said, glancing at his watch.
'Come on, Steve. Fran said they'll be finished at eleven.' Alex said. 'We've got ages.'
The paint ball went quite well. Jake won, which means he didn't get shot as much. I got shot quite a lot, actually. Turns out I'm not a very good hider whilst dressed in chunky protective clothing. In a forrest. Already covered in multicoloured paint within the first 30 seconds.
'Technically I won.' Steve chipped in after hearing Jake gloating over the win.
'Well, Steve, you know. You can't technically win if you hide in the reception bit all day.' Jake said, sipping his bottle.
'I'm about to become a father, Jake. I need to stay safe.'
'Oh, great.' Jake smiled and patted him on the back. 'When is it due?'
'About nine months.'
Jake stared into space, a little confused. Duncan raised a toast to his brother and all took a bit swig of our beers. All apart from Steve, who slowly sipped his water.
'Steve, what is up with you?' Alex's cousin piped up.
'What? I like this. It's sparkling. It's not still, all right? I'm not that square!'
'Let me get you a beer.'
'No, I'm OK. I need to stay focussed if Mary needs me.'
'Needs you for what? To give birth to a baby that's not formed yet?'
'Oh and what are you...a scientist?' Steve questioned him.
'Yeah...Biologist, actually. I work at the College in town.'
Didn't see that coming. The next hour rolled on, we laughed and joked. Sharing stories about Alex and finding out about each other at the same time. The constant thread that ran through it was Jake's nagging over Steve's choice of drink. As best man it was his duty to make sure no one remembered Alex's special night.
'Come on, Steve. Where's your rock and roll now, ah? I bet the boys in Megalicca have a beer or two on a stag do.'
'Metallica. And they're all parents now. Like me.'
Yeah, and I bet they all go home after a gig and have a nice cup of tea, maybe watch Big Brother.
'Come on, Steve.' Jake tried.
'No.'
'Steve...'
'Fine!'
Steve stood up, startling everyone and turned towards the other booth. He grabbed a handful of leftover drinks and started necking them violently. Everything from neglected purple shots to half pints of cider, he finished them all off, one by one. We all sat there and watched.
'There? You happy, best man, ah!'
'Yes!' Jake high fived him.
'Waiter! Another round please!'
This was about to get ugly. Just like a stag do should.
End of part one.
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