Your wedding day is supposed to be the proudest, happiest day of your life. If we are to believe what those films and TV shows tell us, you’re supposed to have a medley of emotions and thoughts. Nervousness. Apprehention, that’s a big one. Excitement. Nauseousness. Then more excitement. You must be knackered after it all, to be honest. Greeting all the people and thanking them for coming, pretending you know who they are even though they’re probably a second cousin you met once when you were drunk. Remembering all the speeches and plans for the day. On top of that, you’re committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. It must be exhausting. But at the same time it must the most amazing feeling in the world. So far, Alex and encountered three emotions that aren’t on the wedding emotion etinery. Fear. Pressure and Drunkenness. That’s not wedding day material. John, Fran’s Dad, had terrified him into marrying her. I’m sure he meant to be warm and pleasant, welcoming him into the family with a slight warning of how to be a man. But to Alex it felt like so much more and after two bottles of beer and three Jack and cokes, another emotion entered his mind. Utter confusion.
‘What the hell am I doing?’ I stuttered.
‘You’re getting married.’ Steve replied.
At least I think he said that. Steve was slumped over the bar next to Alex, his head in his arms.
‘Why?’
‘Because you love her...probably.’
‘I do. She’s great. She’s....’
Alex spluttered and began to blubber, whining like a little girl.
‘Alex.’ I tried, peering past Steve on the next stool. ‘Sort yourself out. Go and welcome your guests.’
‘Yeah, Alex.’ Steve lifted his head. ‘I’m the one with the girl problems. Mary’s pissed off at me.’
‘Well, you’re not alone.’ I said softly.
Alex and Steve peered over to me.
‘Allison ‘s mad at me too. I lied to her. I don’t work at the museum. Not done for awhile.’
‘Why not?’
‘Bernard was ill...is ill. He couldn’t hire me. Then Allison handed in my notice.’
‘Fuck.’ Steve sighed. ‘Did you tell Allison about Bernard?’
‘I tried. She’s still mad because I lied.’
‘Fuck.’ He repeated.
‘Well, guys...’
Alex put his drink down and picked up his tie. Wiped his mouth and looked at us both.
‘If you two can mess us your relationships so bad. Over the most stupid of things. Steve...she’s haivng your baby. Take responsibility. If you lose your job...get another one. And for God’s sake stop taking the piss telling everyone you used to be roadie. Your Mum told us you were a truck driver last year.’
‘Hang on.’ Steve perked up.
‘Leave it, Steve.’ I stopped him.
‘And Dylan...’ Alex looked at me. ‘How you managed to get the love of your life to get you sacked...i’ll never know. And how you managed to keep her from the fact that you weren’t working...again...I’ll never know.’
‘Me neither.’ I shrugged.
‘But if you two can do that.' Alex rose to his feet. 'I can provide for Fran.’
‘Yes!’
‘Good lad!’
‘I’ll see you at the church.’ He said proudly.
Me and Steve watched him pace out of the room. He turned swiftly to the right before he got to the door.
‘Need a piss first!’
The church ceremony was in a lovely little church beside the park. We sat on Alex’s side, obviously. With Mary and Allison sat a few rows down from Steve and I. It’s easy to know when women are mad at you, they simply cut off all knowledge and eye contact. It’s different with men, you either get a foul mouthed text message or a kick in the bollocks. Girls are far more subtle.
‘How can I make it up to her?’ Steve whispered to me.
‘I don’t know. I’ve got my own problems.’
‘It’s easy for you.’ Steve scoffed. ‘You two are young. You both can find someone else. Us two...after forty you’re either alone our it’s Singles Nights.’
‘Good point’
The ceremony rolled on quite swiftly. Fran was wheeled down the aisle by her father John. John looked exactly like I presumed he would. A round, grizzly faced man who looked as if he’s grown up on a farm. Rosy red cheeks and a smart suit that looked like he was more suited to a lumberjack shirt than a waistcoat. Alex had managed to sober up. The fresh air outside the pub did wonders and the 4 pints of water supplied by Jake sealed the deal. It was a lovely ceremony. Up until everyone heard a ringtone to a mobile phone. It sounded like it was coming from behind me, but as the volume increased I felt the vibritions in my jacket pocket. Oh. Shit. Every single person in that church was praying it wasn’t their phone and it was mine. Of all the people invited to this wedding and it was my phone to ring. Brothers. Sons. Next door neighbours. Old university friends. And it was my phone that rang.
A hot flush of panic splashed over me like a bucket of water. I dove into my pocket and ripped out my phone, press the flashing red button to ignore it. What I couldn’t ignore was my red face and a church full of staring eyes. Even Allison was staring at me and she sworn off all contact. I didn’t recognise the number when it flashed up on the screen. It wasn’t in my phonebook. It wasn’t one of those scary Unknown Numbers. Just a phone number.
At the end of the ceremony we all clapped and smiled and took pictures. Alex looked so proud, holding Fran’s hand as they headed towards the door. It was such a lovely moment. Not lovely enough for me to throw the confetti and ignore another phone call, obviously.
‘Hello?’
‘Hello, Dylan?’
‘Yes...’
‘This is Bernard.’
Bernard. It was like I was talking to the dead. Bernard wasn’t dead, I know. But for all I know he could have been. His wife last spoke to me months ago and said he wasn’t well. Now he’s ringing me. The dead don’t ring people.
‘Bernard...Hey!’ I said, trying to block out the cheering from outside the church.
‘Yes, sorry for the huge delay.’
‘Oh, It’s OK. Your wife said you were Ill.’
‘Yes, I’m still not one hundred percent...’
What a great time to ring me and tell me he’s still not well and still cannot hire me. At a wedding of all places!
‘...but I’m back at the museum...only part-time, you understand.’
I did.
‘But I’ve kept you in mind. I want you to come in on Monday and fill in the gaps, as it were.’
Oh, Bernard. His lovely, deep, middle-class voice was warming my bones.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Be my right-hand-man, for want of a better phrase.’
‘Oh...right.’
‘We can meet up Monday and sort things out. We think we need a fresh touch to the place.’
‘Wow...right.’
‘So what do you say?’
I films, this is were the main character turns down the offer. Worldwind of excitement ensues. Maybe some music plays. But so far, nothing has gone like a film.
‘I say yes. Of course i say yes.’
The wedding meal was at the same place where I had my 18th birthday party, above a library in town. The hall was decorated beautifully with huge white flowers in each corner. Tables were set out like how you would imagine a normal wedding reception to look like. White tables with party favours, bits of glitter and balloons everywhere. Just enough for every small child in a tuxedo to inhale a weeks worth of helium into their lungs. Jake dazzled us all with his speech, with every laugh i’d turn to Allison and expect a rye smile and a glance over, but I got nothing. She wanted to get through the day. I’m pretty sure Steve was doing the same thing but it must have been tough, looking for Mary across three tables. Mary hadn’t even sat next to Steve, making Allisons anger seem tiny and irrational and mediocre, leaving Mary sat next to a fat grandmother with bad ankles.
‘...and I can safely say that Alex is the man for Fran.’ Jake finally announced, a glass of champagne in hand. ‘He’s warm. Kind. Thoughtful. And always gets the drinks in at the bar!’
Cue the small round of appoving applause. He’d kept it clean. No filth. Just annecdones of drunkenness and gentle ribbings. Fresh from a Google search.
‘To the bride and groom!’
Jake raised his glass and everyone followed along. We all clapped and cheered and smiled warmly at Fran and Alex. But as the applause died down, more clinking whirred around the room. At first I thought it was coming from behind me, but as the clinking got louder I realised it was coming from my table. I turned and realised Steve was on his feet. A spoon and glass in hand.
‘Excuse me everyone....’ He said, clearing his throat.
Oh no, we’d already managed to interupt the ceremony with my ringing phone but Steve was taking it too far. I couldn’t help my ringing phone. Granted I could have put it on silent, but still, Steve was purposely interupting!
‘Can I just say...I spent a few hours with Alex before the wedding and...actually a few years with him at work. I feel that I know him pretty well. But before the wedding he was afriad...’
Everyone looked confused. Fran looked annoyed. Alex looked terrified. Even Steve didn’t look completly sure what he was doing.
‘He was afriad of what would happen. It’s a big thing. And it comes with pressure. He was scared that he wouldn’t provide for Fran. He was scared he wouldn’t be able to look after her as a husband. But what I will say...is that we’re all human. We all make mistakes...’
A few people nodded. Alex looked over to Fran lovingly. Now Steve was peering over to Mary.
‘But a couple is a team. They should be honest about their hopes...their fears and their dreams. And should be sorry when they’re sorry. Because that’s what a team does. They stick together....’
He finally looked back to the couple.
‘And that’s excactly what they’ll do.’
A few seconds elapsed before the first clap sounded. The round of claps slowly evolved into a huge, almost ear splitting applause with a kiss from the happy couple. Everyone looked made up. Even Mary.
An hour later we were all tucking into our main course. Allison hadn’t spoken a word me in all that and it felt like a decade had passed.
‘You still mad at me?’ I said timidly.
Stupid question.
‘What do you think?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know?’
Girls just ask questions when they’re angry, that’s what I’ve learned.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to let you down...’
‘And you let me hand in your notice! How embarrassing.’
She slammed his hand down on the table, making the faces around us look up.
‘I know...but Bernard rang me...’
‘There probably isn’t a Bernard, is there!?’
That’s what I thought this morning.
‘Yes! He rang! And...’
‘Forget it, Dylan.’
Allison pushed her chair back and left the room. To the toilets, probably. She left her purse so I knew she hadn’t fully left. I should solve crimes. I needed to prove to her that Bernard was real and so was my job. I had a plan. My plan needed my phone.
At the bar, Steve bought me and Alex a drink.
‘Congrats, mate.’ Steve patted him on the shoulder.
‘Cheers, and that speech! Wow...’
‘I know. It was brilliant.’ I nodded.
‘You should have been my best man!’
Steve blushed. Alex sipped his beer. I got a tap on the shoulder. It was Allison. Holding her phone.
‘Bernard just rang me.’
‘Oh...’ I said, pretending to be shocked.
There was a second of silence filled by the DJ introducing Kool and The Gang, I thought of something to say. But before I could think of something she leant forward and kissed me.
Maybe things do end like the films.
The End.
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