The museum is a relatively unnoticeable building if you're wandering around town. But if you know where it is and are heading for it, standing right outside is kind of intimidating. It looks like the cross between a massive bank and a downsized library. I turned up around twenty minutes early for my day with Bernard, staring open mouthed at its huge windows and smooth brown bricks with a golden plaque above the archway. I always arrive early for things. Simply because I hate it when people are late. Normally I would walk around the corner, maybe buy a drink from the off license and pretend to look at my text messages. But today I walked straight in there, introduced myself confidently to the nice old woman in the pink cardigan behind the desk and sat down in the air conditioned foyer.
I hadn't thought about anything else but this day all weekend. The thought of me working in this place, with Bernard and his old Science friends. Old men in tweed suits, that's what I imagined all weekend. I get on with old people, I know a lot about Sciences...this job was for me. Allison believed it too, buying my a new tie for the occasion. Add that to my standard wedding/funeral/christening grey suit and I was looking good, feeling confident and ready for the day.
Bernard met me with a warm smile, asked me if I found the place OK and offered me a cup of tea.
'Yes, please.'
'Sugar?' He asked.
'No, I'm sweet enough.' I smiled.
He chuckled as if he was going to use that line the future and led me into the staff room.
'Basically we have four main rooms. The lab room, which we use for lessons when the school children come in. We have around three classes a week. Are you experienced with working with children?'
Of course I am, I helped to get a trapped toddler's leg out of a trolley last week.
'I little bit.' nodded.
'Good. The computer room, where all colleagues work most of the time.'
'Oh, right. Do they know how to use them?'
Bernard lowered his furry eyebrows at me and peered through his glasses. It seemed like a good question to me, old people in tweed can't use the internet. That's a scientific fact. He's a scientist. He should know.
'Yes...' He strained in confusion.
'Oh...good.' I nodded.
We sipped our tea in the staff room on the comfy chairs. He went through all the admin stuff, including my salary, which I was pleased with, and soon we were on our way to the computer room. It was there that I realised why Bernard's reaction to my question was so odd. The computer room was a vast row of monitors, all humming the same high pitched tone within the peach coloured walls. Sat in the chairs were six or seven lads all around the same age, a few years younger than me.
'Oh, do you have college students in too?' I asked.
'No, no. These are our colleagues.'
Jason was first up to greet me, in ripped jeans, a half grown beard and flip-flops. I hated him instantly.
'Dylan, Jason. Nice to see you.' He shook my hand softly.
'Jason has been here the longest so you'll spend the day with him. I'll report back at 4pm.'
I nodded and looked at Jason, who was chewing violently.
'OK, i'll leave you two to it.'
Bernard walked out of the room, leaving Jason to show me to the computer next to him.
'Give me a sec, bro. I'm just finishing my blog.'
'OK.'
A 'Sec' turned into twenty five minutes. In that time he finished his blog about the new iPad, sent three e-mails and finished a phone conversation with someone called 'Carnage'.
'Right. What do you need to know?' he looked at me.
'I don't know. Bernard asked me hear to spend the day. You know, to get to know the place.'
'Oh, right. That old fart.' He sighed.
I was offended for him. Jason logged into his YouTube account while I panned the room. These people were meant to be working, when all I could see were a group of 20 year olds messing about on computers. They were taking the piss. Getting paid for doing nothing. Well, if you count looking at cats in peril nothing.
'Check this out, Damien. Cat stuck in a window...' Jason chuckled. 'Fucking brilliant.'
'So, when do you start work?' I asked, cutting through the room of belly laughs.
'Well, we have a class of sixth formers in this afternoon.' He said, turning down to volume of the 'Cat vs Window' video. 'Bernard wants us to teach them about Science in the workplace. You know, how things work and all that shit.'
'Oh, right...'
'But Damien's trying to download the new episode of Lost so it may go out the window. Damo!' He shouted across the room. 'Has it finished downloading yet?'
'No, 57 percent!' Damo shouted back.
'Typical. Do you watch Lost?'
'No.'
Jason scoffed.
'Do you know what it's about?'
'Clue's in the title.' I said softly.
An hour passed by. I logged on to my computer using the default registration and perused the system. Programme after programme of Science modules for anyone to dig into. And good ones as well. Science for the elderly, disabled, hard of hearing, primary school children, you name it. It was such a pity it was not getting used. I looked around the room again, these guys were enjoying themselves. On a good wage, wearing their own clothes. I could be one of these guys. Sure I didn't like them very much, but I don't like most people when I first meet them. Just imagine, working here full time. Engaging with the young people of today. So what it's not fully about Science? Kids don't like Science. We all know what they do like are illegally downloaded American import Dramas and videos of animals in pain. These guys were winning me around. Jason took off his expensive looking headphones and looked at me.
'I'm going to go grab a milkshake, you want one?'
'Er...yeah, sure.' I smiled.
'Cool.'
Jason trotted out of the room, his flip-flops making that annoying sound as he passed. I took my empty cup back to the office where Bernard was sat, reading a stack of notepapers.
'Dylan, how are you getting on?' He spoke whilst still reading.
'Good. Good. Jason seems like a nice lad.'
Pretentious dick, more like.
'Oh yeah, hard worker too. He got a bunch of 2nd years making heat lamps yesterday.'
'Really? Did you sit in with them.'
'No, I was in a meeting. He told me.'
Maybe 'Making heat lamps' was slang for 'Drinking milkshakes.' I bet the only science Jason has experienced is putting sweets into a bottle of Coke and watching it shoot out of the top. I wandered back into the computer room where Jason was sat, slurping his drink and staring at a Facebook page. It was only when I got closer I realised it was my Facebook page.
'Found you...'
'What are you doing?' I said, quickly sitting down.
'You work at the supermarket? Just down the road?'
'Yeah, a bit.' I defended myself.
'Fuck me. Pushing trolleys?'
I knew I shouldn't have put that on my page. Why couldn't I have just said 'Services'?
'So what?'
Jason just laughed and called the other lads over to his computer.
I'd kill for an old man in tweed right now.
End of part one.
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