Tit's a Wonderful Life (Part One)

It was another Saturday morning and Steve was ushering us all together for our weekly meeting, huddled around a litter strewn trolley bay to discuss things. Meetings are usually pretty professional, you might think. But last week's topics included a review of three XBOX games and a heavy discussion on who would clean up dog shit. Steve was about to start, tapping his biro onto his little notepad, when a middle-aged looking woman in a red dress slipped out of her soft top car and headed towards the store. Alex, Tommy and I looked at Steve to start the meeting. Steve stared at the woman.You always know when Steve has seen a woman, he's subtle and completely unsubtle at the same time. He pushes his lips up to his nose and gazes at them as they walk past. 

'Eye's down, mister.' I said.

'Lovely.' Steve said, licking his lips.

'Have you ever been tempted?' I asked with a smile.

'From Mary? Naa, I've got everything I want.'

Yeah, a Goth that occasionally wrestles. What more could he possibly ask for?

'Doesn't stop you looking, though, does it?' Alex said.

'Yeah, just because I've ordered doesn't mean I can't have a gander at the menu.' Steve said proudly, tucking in his shirt.

'Yeah.' Alex joined in again. 'We can all do a bit of window shopping now again.'

'Just as long as you don't go inside the shop.' Steve added.

Tommy and Alex giggled.

'Or take any items off the shelf.' Steve said.

'Yeah.' 

'Or pop your debit card in the little machine.'

We all narrowed our eyes towards him.

'Or tap in your pin code.' He mumbled, staring into space.

We all exchanged glances. 

'No matter how much you want it.'

'Steve?'

'Or how much of a bargain it is.'

'Steve!' I shouted.

'Yep!' Finally snapping out of it. 'Moving on. Item One. Bernard Higgins.'

Steve said the name with authority and then looked at us all.

'That's all I've got. Barnard Higgins. Who's that?' Steve asked us.

Bernard Higgins was the curator of a nearby Educational Museum where I have applied for a job. It's not really in the line of Biomedical Sciences, but It's a council funded building that works with local schools and colleges to get students thinking more about the occupation of Sciences. I applied because it was the only job I could find with the word 'Science' in it, and hoped that my Degree would get me a look in. Well, it seemed to have worked. Mr Higgins e-mailed me two days ago, expressing his interest in my experience and suchlike. I was delighted, excited and then hugely disappointed when he requested to visit me at work to 'get a more hands on feel of how you work.' 

Well, I had no idea business could work in such a way. Apparently it is a new council initiative, helping to receive a better understanding of how future employees carry out their work. Which is basically shorthand for 'We've had a lot of idiots piss us about, so we need evidence that you can do an honest day's work.' But, you can't put that on a councils website, can you?


'He's a bloke...' I said quickly. 'Coming to see me today. He want's me for a job or whatever.' I tried to say as casually as possible.

The three of them stared at me.


'No big deal.' I shrugged.

I waited for the onslaught of questions ad piss taking, but Steve looked down and carried on with the agenda.


'Item two. The dog shit.'


And the meeting went on smoothly, ending with Tommy flouncing to the store to get the shit picker from the store room. Steve and Alex walked off talking about a new film and I took a few trolleys up to the top. As I got past the pelican crossing, a man in a suit was looking at me, whilst holding a leather bound file. I looked away for a second and then looked back, but he was still looking at me. I looked behind me but no one was around. I looked back at him to find he was slowly nodding and walking towards me.


'Dylan?' He asked me with a deep, aged voice.

Oh shit, it wasn't Bernard. He's early. He can't be early. I haven't prepared. I had preparations. A full A4 sheet of answers to possible questions. He looked at me through he thick glasses and grinned warmly, but instead of greeting him properly, all the answers to possible questions ran through my head.


'Biomedical Sciences.' I said quickly in a rush of panic.
'I'm sorry?' He grinned again.
'Oh, sorry. Dylan.' I held out my hand. 
'Nice to meet you.'
'Nice to...yeah...you're early, aren't you?' I said, wiping the sweat off my forehead.
'Yeah, well. The train got here a little earlier than anticipated.'

Bernard chuckled sweetly after each sentence, carefully re-angling his glasses. As soon as I met him, I instantly knew he was the kind of respected old gentleman that could say large words without looking pretentious.


'Now I'm only with you for an hour.' He started, opening his smart leather file. 'But I want to find out is what you provide to the workforce, your responsibilities and just find out a little bit about your co-workers.'
'Really? Do you need to?' I titled my head. 'They're pretty boring.' I shrugged.

I provide very little to the workforce because there isn't much to provide. I don't have many responsibilities and quite frankly, that's why I took the job in the first place. I'm fine with that. He can find out about that, I can just bullshit him with fake duties. But meeting my co-workers. No. That's not going to happen.

I was pretty impressed with myself, If I'm honest. I stretched out a full forty minutes on my responsibilities and duties. A slow walk around the car park, pointing out certain trolley bays and adding a few pointless but time-consuming anecdotes.


'And...can you believe it...' I mocked a laugh and slapped my thigh. 'It was a pasta sauce jar...all over the floor!'
'Ho, ho...' He chuckled softly. 'You told me that same story ten minutes ago, Dylan.'
'Did I? Sorry, it's just a great story.'
'It is. So, where are your co-colleagues?' He said, looking around.
'Erm...' I squealed.

I cringed with anger and panic as I saw Steve bounding towards me. His row of trolleys bumped into Bernard's leg.


'Oh, sorry mate.' Steve mumbled. 'Hey, Dylan. Check out that one up there.' He nodded in front of us.

The three of us looked forward to see the woman ahead of us.


'Tits on that.' Steve winked.
'Bernard. Steve. Steve. Bernard.' I said, clenching my eyes shut.
'Oh, it's Bernard whats-his-face.'
'Higgins.' I said.

Bernard held out a hand for Steve slap it.


'Hey, Dylan. You told him the pasta sauce story yet?'
'Yes, he has.' Bernard peered through his glasses again.
'Brilliant.' Steve smiled and reminisced.

Tommy rushed over seconds later.

'Steve. Did you see the tits?' He said enthusiastically.
'Oh, aye. Juicy.'

I looked at Bernard, who was slowly writing in his file. It didn't look good, unless he was making a note of the juiciness of the tits. Which I seriously doubted.

End of part one.