Planet Birth

The canteen was nearly full with colleagues, all gathered around one table. To be more precise, they were all gathered around one chair. And to be even more precise than that, they were gathered around one baby. I've often thought about what it would be like to have a child. Being quite a clumsy person, I'd end up tripping over it or something. And it's not like a vacuum cleaner, is it? Of course not. You can't take it back if it breaks.

Beth is one of our checkout colleagues and had just come back from having her baby, a little baby boy called Josh. It wasn't her first day back at work. It would look a bit odd, her bleeping food through her till with a child strapped to her. She had just turned up, welcomed by flowers and smiling faces, peering down at a five day old child.

The card is an odd one, too. I wasn't around beforehand to sign it, but I imagine it was full. Full of signatures and warm comments, from the middle aged canteen staff, ' from all the grocery staff' and 'best wishes from the Home and Leisure department.' I wouldn't know what to write. Five and six messages in and the 'congratulations' is already overused. But what else can you write? There are limited things you can say to a new mother. It's like talking to people in mourning, after 'I'm so sorry' all you can do is walk away. Sandra was the card ringleader. I saw her all day yesterday, shuffling around the checkouts with a pen, forcing strangers to fill the card with messages.

I'm not a socio-path, though. I stood and smiled with all the others, listening to questions like 'How much did he weigh?' 'How is he sleeping?' and 'How are you sleeping?' Questions that, when answered, are received with tilted heads and 'awwww's', no matter what answer they got in return.

One o'clock came around and most of the women said goodbyes and headed downstairs. I sat down by Beth's table with my dinner and smiled. I thought I'd give it a go.

'So, was it hard to come up with a name?'

I was proud of that. No one else thought of saying that.

'No, it's a family name so, we had to have it!' She smiled, looking down at her baby.

That was a good answer, as well. I still tilted my head and let out a little 'aww', but it was worth it. There was a slight pause, which gave way for us both to sip our drinks. Then I came up with another question, a real zinger. It would have knocked off her socks, the baby's little socks and knock all the other questions out of the park. But Alex interrupted, bouncing over and nudging my chair.

'All right, Dyl-do!'

'Alex! There's a baby here!'

I was embarrassed for all three of us, and wasn't even sure a five day old baby could be embarrassed yet. But Beth just smiled and went back to caring for Josh. I think she was genuinely impressed by Alex's insult. I wanted her to know that wasn't my nickname, I wasn't known as Dyl-do to my friends.

'Friday night, our flat. We're having a little house warming, me and Fran. You coming?'

'Erm, yeah. Why not.'

I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night than to be in the flat of someone who refers to me as 'Dyl-do.' Alex realised I wasn't alone at the table and smiled at Beth.

'You're more than welcome too.'

I don't think Alex and Beth knew each other all that well, as he didn't say her name on the end of the sentence. I think he wanted to, but couldn't remember it. That's the main reason why colleagues in a supermarket wear name badges. It's not for customers, it's for other colleagues. There are hundreds of them, so remembering them all is an impossible challenge.

'Oh, no. Think I've got too much on my hands at the moment.' Beth repiled. 'Thank you, though.'

'It's a great excuse, isn't it.' I smiled.

'Sorry?' Beth said.

'You know, having a baby. I bet it gets you out of all sorts!'

That sounds a bit rude, reading it back. But I said it with a glint in my eye and a warm smile. I guess I got a bit carried away. We were all being nice to each other, inviting each other to house warming parties, saying how nice the baby is, I may have gone too far.

'I beg your pardon?' Beth glared at me.

'No, no. I was just saying...'

'I know what your saying! It's a little offensive, don't you think?!'

I didn't mean it to be. It was just a flippant remark about childcare. Alex gets to call me a dildo in front of her son, but in no way can I make a mild joke like that!

'Sorry.'

It was all I could say.

'Is that really how you think about having children?'

In a way, yes. I mean, they're cute and everything. And I bet in twenty years time she may grow to like her son, instead of him keeping her up and assaulting her furniture. But I think having a kid would be great for the social life you don't want. If I didn't want to go to Alex and Fran's house warming, what could I say? He knows I don't work Friday nights. I can't say 'Oh, no...sorry. I don't want to.' That would be rude. Having a child at home is perfect. Someone's got to look after it, and if it means missing out on going to a friends house for nibbles, it wouldn't be the end of the world, would it?

'No, no. Of course not. I was just joking...'

'I've had a baby five days ago.' She glared at me.

She was right, she had the proof right there.

'I know, I know. He's so cute.' I said, trying to defuse the argument. But she'd heard that compliment about 26 times today, so it passed her by.

'So pardon me, but I think on Friday I'll be at home taking care of him, instead of being at a shitty little house warming!'

Alex let the insult go. Initially because she was already angry, and secondly, the last few words turned into a strained whine, as Beth looked down and started to weep.

'I'm sorry. I was just...' I muttered.

Beth wasn't listening. Her shoulders were slowly shuddering with her eyes squeezed together, gently crying opposite me. A few colleagues walked past the canteen behind us and spotted Beth, her head still facing her child and crying. 

'Oh, what have you done, lads?'

'It was Dylan.' Alex said quickly.

Cheers Alex. At least he didn't call me Dyl-do.

'She's just very emotional at the moment.' I tried.

'No, I'm not!' She barked, her face covered in tears and saliva. 

She shrieked out again but it was inaudible, glaring up at me and then around the room, blaming me with words we all couldn't understand. I stood up and moved towards the back of the small crowd that had slowly gathered around us. I searched the crowd for Sandra.

'Is it too late the sign the card?'