Listen: Impossible

Flirting is an odd thing. I’ve never been very good at it, to be honest. You need and awful lot of confidence, which I don’t have, and the ability to see through ordinary sentences for what they really are. Like, ‘I like your coat.’ If a girl said to me I’d probably say ‘Thanks, but you’re not having it.’, something that girls don’t really want to hear.

Steve and Mary had been flirting over the week now, but not flirting as we know it. It usually consists of making high-pitched noises, saying subtle little sentences and grinning into each other’s eyes. Saying things that have no meaning, but they mean hundreds of things all at once. But it must remain natural. Steve’s flirting involves being nice, so that’s not natural straight away. And Mary, a bit coarse and dressed in gothic clothes, I can’t imagine her trying to be subtle. But Steve was happy enough as he told about his night with her.

‘We went watching an Alice Cooper tribute act at the town hall.’

‘Oh yeah…’ I said, opening a packet of chewing gum.

‘Alan Cooper, his name was.’

‘How do you know that?’ I asked.

‘It’s his stage name. And his real name.’

‘Does he look like Alice Cooper?’

‘He looks like my Auntie Jean…and Alice Cooper.’ Steve frowned.

‘Brilliant.’

‘Plus he’s our window cleaner during the day.’

‘Rock ‘n’ roll!’

‘Yeah, we got to go backstage, too.’ He beamed.

I went along with it. Even though I imagined the town hall didn’t have a backstage area. Alan probably got an odd stock room as a dressing room, packed full of old hoovers and cleaning products.

‘Did Mary enjoy it?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, wanted to talk to you about that.’ Steve said, stepping closer to me. ‘You know how we’ve been getting along.’

‘I’ve noticed.’ I said quietly.

Noticed? Noticed suggests Mary and Steve were subtle. As we all know, Steve isn’t subtle. Neither is Mary. Goths are like that.

‘Well, I asked her if she’d like to go out with me. You know, as a girlfriend and that?’

‘I asked her as soon as ‘School’s Out’ started.’

‘Classic.’ I said.

‘Agreed.’

‘Yeah, go on…what did she say?’

Steve stared at nothing and shook his head.

‘I don’t know.’

‘What do you mean you don’t know?’

‘It was too loud. I couldn’t hear her!’

‘Why didn’t she wait until the end of the song?’

‘She didn’t feel it was necessary. She answered me.’

‘But?’

‘But I don’t know what she said. She said something, I watched her mouth move! But I couldn't figure it out. And I couldn’t ask her again, that would have been embarrassing.’

But it’s not embarrassing to take a girl to an Alice Cooper tribute act?  I’ll admit Steve had got himself into a pickle here.

‘So what do you think she said?’

‘Well…’ He scratched his head. ‘She kind of did this…’

Steve mouthed something inaudible. He was right, I couldn’t figure out what it was. But I tried.

‘I kind of looked like “No.”’

‘It didn’t, did it?’

‘Or “I don’t know.”’

‘Oh, that’s not good.’ Steve frowned.

‘Yeah…sorry.’

‘Ah, well. She’s in today so I’ll speak to her when she gets in.’

‘Make sure you’re in a quiet room when you do.’

Steve looked like he wanted to hit me, but made a visible mental note about talking to Mary in a quiet room. It was good advice, particularly if you’re thinking about proposing to your girlfriend. Their reply is pretty important, so it’s best not to do it in a loud area. Especially not at an Alan Cooper gig. Mind you, if you’re taking your girlfriend to an Alan Cooper concert, don’t expect a successful night. You may leave alone.

Mary had just got off the bus and was up in the canteen, a coin balancing in the slot of the vending machine and her eyes on the array of chocolate bars behind the glass. Steve ran up as soon as he saw her, and pretended to breezily walk by, even though he’d been waiting in the doorway, breathing and sweating heavily.

‘Hey Mary.’

‘Hey you! Twix or a Wispa?’

‘You what?’

‘Which one?’ Nodding at the glass.

‘Oh, erm…Twix, we can have one each.’

See what I mean about the flirting? That was a bit subtle, unless Steve actually wanted half of her Twix.

‘Good idea. So, good night, last night then.’ Mary sat down.

‘Yeah.’ Steve frowned. ‘Alan’s a good lad.’ Steve joined her at the table.

They sat and ate their fingers of Twix in silence for a few minutes, with Mary grinning every so often. Steve was trying to grin, but was in doubt over why Mary was grinning. If Mary said ‘no’ last night, why was she grinning? Surely that’s the end of the relationship? There’s no coming back from that. But if she said ‘I don’t know’, maybe she did like him, and was deciding over his question. The best idea was to ask her.

‘Good Twix, this.’ He said, looking down at the packet.

‘Yeah…so where are you taking me next week?’ She grinned.

What was this girl’s problem? Is this how she gets her kicks? Rejecting old men and forcing them to spend their hard earned…. earned money. I couldn’t believe her.

‘Erm…Meat Loaf’s on at the weekend.’ Steve smiled.

‘Yeah? Tribute?’

‘Pete Loaf.’

‘It’s a date.’

I know I said Steve isn’t a subtle man, but I was proud of what he said next.

‘It’s a date? Like being on a date? Dating?’

‘Yeah.’ She smiled.

Good work.

‘So we’re dating?’

OK, don’t push it.

‘Of course. Unless you’ve changed your mind?’

‘No, no…. no. It’s just…last night, I didn’t know what you said.’

‘Why not?’

‘Alan. The music. It was too loud.’

‘Well, you should have got up on stage, got Alan to sing me a song.’ She chuckled.

‘Na, I know he’s a tribute act but it wasn’t a wedding. It was a rock show.’

‘We were out by half seven.’

Rock ‘n’ roll! It's not their fault the town hall had to lock up at 8pm.

‘So what did you say last night?’ Steve asked.

‘I said sure!’

‘Oh, sure…’

Steve looked into the middle distance and mouthed the word, pursing his lips and nodding to himself.

‘Pete Loaf it is, then!’

‘Cool!’ Mary beamed, rubbing her hand on Steve’s.

‘Another Twix?’ Steve grinned, pointing at the vending machine.

‘Oh, you naughty boy! I love a good finger!’

‘Ha ha! If you’re lucky you’ll get two!’

There’s flirting and there’s saying things that make me feel sick.