Citizen Wayne

‘So have you got the new Judas Priest album, then?’

I wouldn’t normally ask, but I knew I wasn’t going to get much in reply from Steve.

‘Na, it’s not meant to be any good.’ He replied, scrunching up his nose.

It was the day after our night at the homeless shelter, and Steve was out of his pinstripe suit and shiny shoes, and gone back to the usual unwashed uniform, unshaven face and no name badge. Back to normal. I could tell he didn’t want to talk about Grace, the heavily pierced elephant in the room. Except she wasn’t in the room. She was now probably in a park, drinking special brew with Brian, the brummy ex-rocker with no shoes.

That was the embarrassing thing, wasn’t it? That Steve lost Grace to someone like Brian last night. There’d be a certain sense of pride or romantic vitriol in losing a girl to a gym instructor or a bank manager. Or even one of those men who use their laptops in Starbucks. But to lose a girl to, let’s face it, a tramp. A Homeless. That was embarrassing. So much so, Steve began to deny all knowledge of Grace.

‘So how was last night, Dylan?’

Darren was asking me, as if he was talking to a fellow parent about their teenagers first date to the cinema. I could have told him about Brian, now possibly spooning Grace in a public area. But I didn’t. I had to work with Steve so I’d do well to keep Darren away from what happened last night. It had been a pretty busy day so far and we could have done with staying outside and clearing up, but Darren was in charge now. His course had ended and now he was a fully-fledged manager, in charge of the Services department. Which consisted of cleaners, in store greeters and us.

‘Yeah, the ravioli was nice.’ I smiled.

Darren led us upstairs, past the empty canteen and to a row of doors. He stopped at the last one and turned to us.

‘Gentleman.’ He grinned. ‘Welcome to my office.’

‘This is Sharon’s office.’ I said. ‘Hold on…is Sharon not with us any more?’

‘Has she got the sack?’ Steve asked.

Darren’s grin turned into a frown as he opened the heavy door. As soon as we peered inside the room it was obvious. Where Sharon’s desk was, in the middle of the room, now stood a waste paper basket. Sandwiched between that was now two smaller desks.

‘Oh, no…does Sharon know about this?’ I asked.

‘No, not yet. She’s back next week. Sure she’ll be all right with it.’

‘Do you know Sharon?' I asked. 'She doesn’t give people lifts home, even Pat who lives next door to her. And now she’s sharing a room with you?’

‘Yeah. She’ll be fine with it. Plus, the only reason she doesn't give Pat a lift home is because she smells.’
'Yes, she does. Of broccoli, most days.' Steve added.

Darren made his way to the desk on the left, squeezing in between the two. The room wasn’t the biggest, anyway. Only slightly bigger than your average spare room in your house.

‘Bit cosy in here, Darren.’ Steve said as we followed him in.

‘It’s not that bad.’ He replied, awkwardly trying to make enough space between his desk and the wall to sit down.

We would have sat down but there were no chairs, let alone any space for them.

‘Right. Last night went well. Good.’ He said to himself, ticking off the subject in his head. ‘Moving on. Margaret is not going to be with us anymore.’

‘What?’ Steve said.

‘She hasn’t told you?’

‘No…’

‘It’s got a bit much for her outside. She handed in her notice this morning.’

‘Oh, that’s why I had to make my own breakfast.’ Steve looked down.

I would have laughed, but I was a bit gutted. I liked Margaret. Darren was right, though. The work had got too much for her outside. Last week she was helping and old man to his car with his shopping and she had to have a sit down. The old man ended up helping her. She even borrowed his Zimmer frame for the day.

‘But this week I have been interviewing for a new trolley pusher and the successful applicant is arriving today, for a meet and great with you two, plus Alex when he clocks in later.’

‘Good luck finding someone as good as Margaret.’ I scoffed.

‘Wayne has his own teeth and can walk ten yards without sitting down.’ Darren said bluntly.

He said it with a bite, but I was more focussed on the name. Wayne. I wasn’t holding out much hope for this guy.

You know in sit-coms, when people say ‘this guy’s going to be awful!’ or ‘I'm not looking forward to seeing this person!’ and, for comedic effect, the exact opposite happens? And the two people really get on and maybe sleep with each other? Well, that’s not what happened today. Wayne arrived and I have to say, I was right in not holding up much hope.

‘Let me get something straight.’ He said, holding up his forearms and putting his index fingers up. ‘I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to earn the buck and keep this place in shape. Got it?’

Was that a question? He hadn’t even said hello yet. Steve and I just mumbled something inaudible and looked away. Wayne was wearing a long yellow coat that emphasized his staggering height, about thirty something, and short mousy blonde hair that was combed to one side. He only had an hour with us, so we showed him around the car park, using as little words as possible and trying to work out if his introduction was a joke. He said he was here to earn ‘the buck’. Was that money? And he wasn’t here to make friends? I wouldn’t call any of the people I work with friends but I don’t actually come out and say it. What was this guy’s problem? I was about to ask when Alex parked up beside us and rolled down the window.

‘Afternoon, lads.’

‘Afternoon.’ Steve and I replied.

‘Steve, you calmed down after last night?’

Steve didn’t say anything. He just looked as if he trying to remember what happened last night.

‘Alex, meet Wayne. He’s taking over from Margaret.’ I said.

‘Oh, right. Hello. Why has Margaret left?’

‘Dead weight.’ Wayne said, looking above the car and into the distance.

‘Did you even know Margaret?’ Alex asked.

‘Didn't have to. She’s gone, that’s the main thing.’

I was waiting for Steve to stand up for his own mother, but Steve was the most relieved of all of us, he was getting sick of her teasing him. That’s why I wanted her to stay.

‘Oh, an air freshener?’

Wayne pointed at the purple bit of card dangling from the mirror in Alex’s car.

‘Yeah. So?’

‘That’s your first mistake.’ He said, wiping a bit of rain off his sleeve. ‘I knew a lad about your age. Had a car just like this. Only it was a nice colour.’

‘Hang on…’

‘He had an air freshener just like that.' Wayne began. 'Then one day he was out with his girlfriend. High school sweethearts. Along the windy roads up near Swans Hedge. Then, all of a sudden. Bang.’

There was a silence. I didn’t like this man, but he couldn’t half reel you in and tell you a good story. Even if it was with a slightly annoying nasal voice.

‘What was it?’ Alex said.

‘Vanilla, I think.’

There was another silence and we all tried to figure out what he meant.

‘Not the flavour of the air freshener!’ I shouted. ‘What happened to the couple?’

‘Oh, he clipped the curb. Eight-inch scratch on the side of his car, broken wheel rim. That was fifty quid he never saw again.’

There was yet again, another silence. Steve and Alex tried to decide whether this man was a bit of an idiot or an actual mentalist, whilst I attempted to break the tension by leaning in towards Alex.

‘And you're still going to drive with that thing there!’ Pointing at the air freshener.

‘Yeah…I think I’ll risk it.’

Ten minutes later, Steve and I where in Darren and Sharon’s office.

‘Daz, you can’t hire this bloke!’

‘Darren. And I already have.’ He replied, looking down at his papers.

He was getting more and more like Sharon every day. Steve flounced and turned away.

‘What’s wrong with him?’

‘This is not my place to say anything, Darren. But as the oldest and wisest of all the porters…’

‘Trolley pushers.’

‘Whatever. I can safely say this guy’s a dick.’ Steve said bluntly.

‘Those are strong words. Wayne is…’

‘Case in point.’
'What?'
'The name.'

‘There’s nothing wrong with that name. Wayne has come from a highly established security firm, he knows all the rules and regulations needed to tidy this place up and he’s got qualifications in Health and Safety. Just what we want.’

‘But…’ Steve began to sweat.

‘Yes?’

‘He’s a dick!’

‘Steve.’

‘A massive dick.’

‘Stephen.’

‘He had a go at me just then for not wearing steel toe capped boots!’

‘Why don’t you wear them?’

‘They hurt my feet!’ Steve wined.

‘I’ll tell you what. If you can be nice to Wayne…I’ll give you the Head Porters role back.’

Wayne was half way through a lecture on our responsibilities out on the car park when Steve bounced over to us.

‘Number six. If you see two customers getting into a fracas, what do you do? Leave them alone, stand and watch or diffuse the situation?’

‘I’d normally stand and watch.’ Alex said with a smile. ‘And shout "Fight! Fight Fight!"'

Wayne let Alex and I stop laughing before carrying on.

‘Durr! It’s number three.’ He blurted, with is tongue inside his bottom lip.

I don’t think I’ve heard a grown man say ‘Durr’ before. I stopped saying it when I was about twelve.

‘Diffuse the situation.’ Wayne said.

‘All right, lads.’ Steve said, after waiting for him to stop. ‘Wayne, may I say, it’s a pleasure to have you with us. Any problems, come to me.’

‘I’ll go to Darren, as he is my immediate superior. Let’s get to work.’

We all watched as Wayne walked away, but Steve was the only one smiling. Smiling was an understatement. Steve was straining hard with narrowed eyes; his red cheeks either side of a huge grin.

‘What are you doing?’ I asked Steve.

‘What? Just being friendly.’

‘You said he was a dick.’

‘I know, but…’

‘A massive dick.’

‘Dylan! He is our co-colleague. Let’s treat him with respect.’ Steve said, still smiling.

Wayne wasn't meant to be working today. It was meant to be a meet and greet and he wasn’t clearing up for us. So far he’d managed to annoy us all in one fell swoop.

‘Come on, lads. Walk not talk.’

Oh no. He’d not been here an hour and he’d made up his own annoying phrase. Not even a clever phrase. He was a dick. But Steve didn’t seem to think so, now.

‘Yeah. Come on, lads. Walk not talk.’ Steve said as he scuttled off towards our new colleague.

‘What a dick.’ Alex said.

‘Which one?’

‘Both of them.’

I suddenly missed Margaret. Surely she could work with a Zimmer frame. Janet off the checkouts is around the same age. Then again, Janet doesn’t have to push trolleys around. I decided to see my manager.

‘Darren, he can’t work here.’

‘I’ve only had this office a few hours and I’m never alone in here. I’ve got work to do!’

‘But, Wayne is…’

‘A dick?’ Darren asked.

‘Yes!’

‘Tough. Dylan, you of all people should know what it’s like outside. It's slack, no-one hardly ever works...Wayne will help make your job reputable.’

Oh right, not only is he a dick. He’s also a miracle worker.