It was a busy Saturday afternoon and instead of Alex having his dinner break after me, he decided to have it with me, leaving Wayne outside with Steve on his first official shift. His first day didn’t get off to the best of starts today, making us all huddle around in the rain to discuss matters, including how to better ourselves whilst working in the car park. I had no idea how to better myself in a car park, so kept quiet. We hadn’t had a huddle in quite a while. The last time was when we arranged a surprise birthday party for Darren at Nandos. Even with the huddle we managed to forget he was vegetarian. Turns out if you’re a veggie in Nandos, you’re fucked. So we had the party for him whilst he waited in the cafe next door.
Sharon was back, and although she hadn’t spoken to any of us since her arrival, we all knew she hated sharing an office with Darren. We could see that clearly, mainly because we could get a clear view of their office from the car park. And because their blinds were open, we could see them bickering every couple of minutes. I felt a little sorry for Darren. Arguing with a middle-aged Scottish woman can't be be pleasant.
Alex was eager to talk to me in private. A busy canteen isn't a private place, but it was good enough for him.
‘I need to talk to you about something.’ Alex said, sitting down opposite me.
‘I’ve told you; I’m not buying your car. It's purple.’
‘No, no not that. It’s about Fran.’
‘You two not getting on?’ I asked, adding salt to my soggy chips.
‘No. Quite the opposite. It’s going really well.’
‘Oh, good.’ I replied, in a not-really-interested kind of way.
Alex smiled and waited for me to look up from my chips. Then he reached inside his pocket and pulled out a black velvet box.
‘Oh, no.’ I said, putting my cutlery down.
‘What?’
‘No…’
‘What?!’
‘What are you thinking?’
‘You know, Dylan.’
Thinking back, at this point I seem to remember the colleagues around us glancing over. Maybe they thought he was proposing to me.
‘Have you thought about this?’
‘Of course. Why aren’t you happy for me?’
‘You’ve been going out for a month.’
‘A month and eight days.’
‘Oh, well. When’s the big day!?’
Alex didn’t hear the sarcasm in my remark and grinned a huge grin.
‘I’m thinking next year.’
I could have tried to persuade him out of this. Alex and Fran were not ready to get married, let alone engaged. I don’t care how much you say you’re in love; after a month, it cannot happen. I bet Fran didn’t know his last name yet. I consider Alex to be a good friend. Not a ‘come-round-for-a-drink’ friend, more of a ‘stop-and-chat-in-public’ friend. And because of that, I didn’t want to dissuade his plan. But I thought I’d have a go.
‘I think it’s too soon. Take that back.’ Pointing at the box he was clutching.
‘I can’t. I’ve lost the receipt. Argos don’t take things back with no receipt.’
‘Argos?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Come on, Alex. You’re not on the dole!’
‘This was the most expensive on display!’
‘Yeah, and I bet you got plenty of change out of a twenty pound note!’
‘Dylan…’
‘OK, OK.’ I took a big sigh. ‘If you want to do it, go for it.’
While Alex was talking me through the engagement plans, Steve was attempting to get to know Wayne, in order to get his Head Porter’s role back.
‘So Wayne, what kind of sounds you into?’
‘Sounds?’
‘Yeah, tunes and that.’
‘You mean music?’
‘Yeah…’ Steve’s eyebrows slowly fell.
‘Not much. I like Bon Jovi sometimes.’
‘…Bon…Jovi?’ Steve said through gritted teeth.
‘Yeah, I like Bon Jovi. Now can we get back to work?’
It was getting harder and harder for Steve to like Wayne. Pretending to like him seemed like a difficult task and even getting to know him was a challenge. Normally around this point Steve would take the piss, calling them a philistine or ‘a sheep’, (which, he explained, meant someone who likes the same kind of music as everyone else.) but he couldn’t. A) Because he wanted Darren to think they were getting on. And B) Wayne made Steve feel uneasy, and you have to be careful with people like that. One false move you could have your eyeballs out with a pencil. Everyone knows someone like that. You’re bound to either completely avoid them or try desperately to see a nicer side. So Steve kept going.
‘Do you read comics?’
‘No. I’m thirty three.’
‘Gaming?’
‘No.’
‘Sports?’
‘I’ve played badminton before.’
This was impossible. But Steve wanted his Head Porters role back, so he had to show Darren he was trying.
‘You could play badminton with me.’ Steve began to sweat.
‘No, I don’t think so.’ Wayne pushed his glasses up.
‘We could listen to Bon Jovi together, whilst we play badminton.’
That was too much. I don’t think he’d ever tried to get someone to like him before. In fact, I’m not sure Steve liked anyone, apart from Lemmy or those people in America who get his World of Warcraft toys imported.
What I haven’t told you yet, is that Alex’s plan to ask Fran to marry him involved me. It shouldn’t involve me, obviously. A proposal is one of the few things left in the world that only involve a couple, now that the Internet is so popular. Alex wanted it to be a memorable occasion, so he walked me through the plan.
‘Tomorrow, when the three of us are working…’
‘Hang on, you’re going to propose whilst you’re here?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, so? It’s where we met. It’s a special place.’
Now we were whispering to each other, which was difficult in a crowded canteen. Plus, Fran wasn’t in today, so there’d be no chance of her hearing any of this anyway.
‘OK, then what?’ I said.
‘I want you to get the greeter’s microphone and announce it. Something like “Fran…Alex has something he wants to ask you.” I’ll be at her checkout. Hopefully she’ll say yes.’
‘Hopefully. Why don’t you want the greeter to announce it?’
‘Because! You’re kind of the reason why we're together. You made me speak to her again after offending her.'
I was made up, and suddenly saw Alex as a ‘come-round-for-a-drink’ friend.
‘OK.’ I smiled. ‘If you’re sure, I’ll do it.’
‘Brilliant.’ He grinned.
We suddenly realised our half hour lunch break lasted fifty-five minutes, but I wasn’t sure Steve and Wayne noticed. As we walked down to the car park we caught the end of Wayne’s lecture on health and safety.
‘Identify the risk. Identify who is a risk. Nullify the risk. OK?’
Steve wasn’t listening. As soon as he saw us coming towards us, his face turned from a bored frown to a huge grin.
‘Lads. How are you? Yeah, me and Waz here were just chatting. Bon Jovi…great band.’ Steve winked.
‘I thought you said you hated them.’ I said.
‘Get real.’ Steve said.
In case you’ve forgotten, Steve it 46 years old. He just said ‘get real.’
‘I thought you said they were music for girls.’
‘Never. I love them! They’re the pinnacle of…. music.’ Steve began to sweat again, staring at Wayne, who didn’t look too happy.
'You did. I remember you saying. "That Bon Jovi, it's tacky, one dimensional music for girls." That's what you said.'
'Naaa...' .
‘Anyway, Darren wants to see you two’ Alex said.
Sharon had her head down, frantically writing on a notepad inside her cramped office. Sorry, Sharon and Darren’s office. I don’t think she’d ever used the PC in front of her, not even to play solitaire like any normal person. Darren was at the left desk, and welcomed Wayne and Steve in.
‘Welcome back, Sharon.’ Steve smiled.
‘Busy.’ Sharon said bluntly, still looking down.
‘Gentleman, how are we getting on?’ Darren asked.
‘Good.’ Steve said, before Wayne could think about the question. ‘Yeah, we were just talking about Bon Jovi, weren't we, Waz? We love him.'
‘Bon Jovi is the band. Jon Bon Jovi is the man.’ Darren informed him.
‘Don’t I know it, mate.’ Steve nodded. ‘I love all their hits. Call me!’
‘That’s Blondie.’ Darren said.
‘Do you really want to huuurt me!!’
‘That’s Boy George.’ Darren said.
‘You don’t know who Bon Jovi are, do you?’ Wayne asked.
‘Yes. I’ve seen them loads of times in the seventies.’
I quick look on Wikipedia will tell you they only formed in 1983. Hard lines, Steve. I think he vaguely knew who they were, but after hearing one or two of their songs, that’s it, he hates them for life. Safe in the opinion that they were music for girls.
It turned out Wayne wanted to be Head Porter, and had presented a proposal to Darren in a smart lever arch file that included everything he needed to know about why he was the ideal Head Porter. Which, as I’ve said before, is a title that comes close to polishing the proverbial turd. But Wayne seemed serious about getting our department in ship shape. Actually, Wayne just seemed serious. About everything.
‘So, I have to present a case now, do I?’ Steve snarled.
‘Not necessarily.’ Darren shook his head.
‘I should think so! You told me if I got on with him I could have it back!’
‘And are you getting on with him?’
‘Yes!’ Steve stood up from his chair. ‘We've got loads in common. We love Bon Jovi! Night fever, night fe-ver!!’
‘That’s the Bee Gee’s.’ Sharon said.
‘Shit!’
And with that, Steve stumbled out of the office, leaving Wayne and Darren to discuss Wayne’s proposal and their favourite Bon Jovi songs, regardless of whether they were music for girls. All I had to do was wait until the morning and then ask Fran to would marry a man she’d only known for a five weeks. Simple.
End of part one.
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